Pressure

I was reading today in my devotional about pressure.  About being made broken bread and poured-out wine… His call for my life is something that was whispered to my heart over a period of years, one that is still being repeated.  It is a deeply spiritual call that loses momentum in the busyness of my day-to-day. The intimacy of His whisper gets forgotten as I “do” the tasks that are required of me. All throughout my day I feel this pressure. This constant squeezing and uncomfortable molding that I resist often. I don’t mind being uncomfortable if I can put a time limit on it. I am a pretty flexible person. I am happy to serve so long as I get a break from time to time. The thing about this call He has given me is that it has no set time… It is forever. I know that is why I feel the pressure so much more intensely these days. Why do I resist when all I want is to be made more like Him? To be the disciple that plants seeds and carefully watches and nurtures until the day of harvest? I actually LOVE that he is taking the time to crush me. I love the children he has given to me for this brief time. I love that the seeds are planted and I pray for the one that will be there to harvest them.

Oswald Chambers said this, “He gives us a tremendous, riveting pain to fasten our attention on something that we never even dreamed could be His call for us. And for one radiant, flashing moment we see His purpose, and we say, “Here am I, send me!” (Isaiah 6:8).  This call has nothing to do with personal sanctification but with being made broken bread and poured-out wine. Yet God can never make us into wine if we object to the fingers He chooses to use to crush us.”

He goes on to say that the finger and thumb that He uses to squeeze us is often not His. If I am going to be made into wine, then I must be crushed. I can’t be poured out if I am never transformed. The shaping of my character is one that is done by the fingers of the children he has placed in my home. By their broken families. By the lost in this world that need Him as much as I do. If I am going to be a child of God with a character like Christ I must be crushed and poured out. I must allow the pressure that results in the kind of bread and wine that benefits His other children. Oh, that I would remember the intimate whispers and the enthusiasm with which I replied, “Here I am, send me!”.

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Learning to Shine

I love how Jesus breaks us down to make Himself show through.  Really, it is quite beautiful!  I haven’t posted a blog in a VERY long time, but I was feeling crappy enough about myself today to write a bit.

I just posted something over on my Fostering page… Check it out.

Easter

But the angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified.

He is not here, for he has risen, as he said”.

Matthew 28:5-6

Each year I look forward to Easter, more than any other holiday.  I love it.  I love the spring weather, I love the celebration, and I love focusing on Jesus…  His death and resurrection.  I usually read through John Piper’s Passion of Jesus Christ, 50 Reasons Why He Came to Die.  It is a great book.  Very easy to read and study.

I also love the time with the kids.  Getting the girls dressed up, dying and hunting eggs, making a delicious lunch…  This year we had some family and friends over for a dessert buffet and Easter Egg Hunt.  Here are some pictures from our day.

The girls before church.


Family Camping Trip

We love to camp.  Chris and I camp very well, but we have gotten out of the habit.  Can you believe that Jane was almost 3 before we took her?  I am still not sure what the deal with that was, but Mae has already been twice!  This last trip was taken to Shores Lake Campground.  It is a beautiful place, covered in dogwood trees…  They were in full bloom.  I have always wanted to go back there to see them in bloom, and they were beautiful.  There is a nice hiking trail that goes up the mountain to White Rock.  We only did 2 miles of it, but we are hoping to get Jane up to 3 miles before summer.  The first picture is of Mae after our hike, Tuckered out.  We enjoyed some great family time, some good food, and beautiful weather.

My favorite part of being a Mom…

is not all of the sweet hugs and kisses I get, even though they are great.  It is not the beautiful smiles that greet me, or the constant questions, or seeing them learn something new.  It is the feeling at the end of the day.  That feeling is joy.  And it is accompanied by little memories of cute things Jane said, or the face Mae Mae made, or the way they played together.  That feeling of joy is so good and deep that I know it echoes what our Father feels when he meets with us.  It is true relationship and it is wonderful.

Joy Unpeakable

So after prayer, chatting with my sisters, and many hours of contemplation I have discovered that the grieving process takes a LONG time. As you know from my previous post, I have been feeling very blue lately. I am sure now that it was a combination of things, especially not getting enough alone/quiet time. In missing out on this time, I have pushed certain feelings aside and not let them be expressed in any way. This has erupted into sadness… The importance of alone time for me is to just be able to pray and sort through my life; things that have happened, are going on, and coming up.

After getting some much needed me-time, I realize that I really miss my mom. I miss talking to her about my pregnancy and Mae, what she will be like. How, even after having one baby, I am still scared about the delivery. I want to tell her about my super fun shower, and how wonderful my sisters and friends are. And, I miss that joyful sound in her voice when she would tell me how happy she is and excited she is about her new granddaughter…

I also realize that I have many wonderful friends that I need to call on when I need them. I am so blessed to have friends that love me and my family, and that would do anything we need, when we need them. God is so faithful in this way. His body is not only for His glory, but also for our benefit. We are to bear with one another in Love… take care of each other, as members of one body. I just love God’s word, and how it never fails to comfort and bring me joy.

So other than the tears during the writing of this post, I am feeling very joyful. I woke up feeling joyful! This last week I have been able to catch up with friends, have some much needed me-time, and I started to feel an overwhelming sense of excitement for the arrival of my sweet Mae, Mazie Judith Tucker. Named after mom, Judith Elaine Moore.

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have losed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my Glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks to you forever!!” Psalm 30:5, 11-12

Finding the time…

Well, the plan for today was to get out in the yard and do a little gardening… Something that I LOVE to do. BUT, it is very windy-not exactly great gardening conditions for a pregnant lady with balance issues. Instead we are going to scrub the house. However, I am feeling a little on the blue side today. Something about being Mommy 24-7 and cleaning house and being 7 months pregnant and never getting a break is getting to me today. I am sure that it is a common condition among stay-at-home Mommies, but when do we get a break?? Is it a discipline thing? I have never been good at taking time for myself. When Jane is gone, I miss her and wish we were hanging out. I don’t like finding baby-sitters. I am not good at just calling up friends and saying- hey let’s go do whatever. So my biggest problem is me, I guess. Friends, what I need is some good old accountability. Someone to remind me that this is a need, not a want, and that we all could use a little break from responsibility.

Moving right along

So the last week has been filled with painting, moving furniture, assembling furniture, installing light fixtures, cleaning out closets, organizing toys, books and bedding, buying mattresses, and of course the overall clean-up. We have successfully completed stage one-The Girls’ Room, minus curtains and wall-art. It looks pretty good. Chris was a trooper. He had a positive attitude during the entire project, even though he had to do the bulk of the hard work. Jane is enjoying her new room and getting very excited about her baby sister. She is such a big girl. She is going to be a big help when we have the baby. She LOVES doing her chores; making her bed, feeding Lucy-the cat, picking up her shoes, etc. Hopefully the love for helping out will only grow:)
It is hard to believe that baby Tucker will be here in less than 13 weeks!!

Thank you, God

It has been a while since I have posted about Jane. This update is about her, and her precious, sweet, heart. She has been saying the most glorious things lately, which makes Chris and I even more thankful for the heart God has placed in her.
We have been in Monticello with Chris’s parents for the last few days. We arrived Wednesday night and almost immediately were ushered to the Christmas tree for Jane to open her presents from Chris’s sisters and parents. We noticed how excited she was for each item, which happened to be Princess themed… She was so thankful and never acted spoiled or greedy. When asked who she loved more (a terrible question, I know), her Memaw or Pepaw, she answered, “Memaw AND Pepaw!”.
Today, we went for a walk. We drove to the cemetary because they have nice sidewalks to walk on. Chris, his mom, and I were talking about who we knew that was buried there, about the pretty stones and monuments, etc. During our conversation we were discussing how someone we knew had died and where they were buried. I said something like, “where are they?” Jane piped in, “to go live with God, Mommy? Is that where they went?” I was amazed at how much the child listens and retains. She is always amazing me with her level of understanding…
As we were getting ready to leave Monticello, she became very upset. In the car, she stated that she didn’t know why she had “so much tears”. I said I know that it is good that she loves her family so much. She said,” that is why I am crying, Mom, because I love them and don’t want to leave them!” So sweet.
Tonight, as we were saying prayers, she said she wanted to say thank you to God for loving us so much, and thank you for all her presents. It is so wonderful to hear her say these things… I love her more every day.