Obsession

So never in my life have I felt totally out of control of my mind. There is this issue at work, where one of my managers totally freaked out and vented about his complaints in this book that we use for manager communication. It was very inappropriate and out of line, as I see it. SO since my boss called me to tell me about it, I have been completely obsessed! This is going on 4 days. I haven’t talked to him about it yet, I will work with him for the first time tonight. I am the type of person that rehearses confrontations in my mind… You know what I mean? I will play out the conversation, plan what I am going to say, and check it against a few things. For example, I will make sure that I am being truthful (this helps me to not just vent right back and express my anger and all the selfishness that goes along with it). I will make sure that I am being firm, yet gentle. And, I will be sure that I get my point across in a way that the person understands so that the behavior will be corrected.

Except this time. I have played out this confrontation so many times, and each time I end up getting so MAD! I can’t stop thinking about it and I am getting very tired. So this morning after 2 seperate attempts to stop obsessing, I finally cried out to God to HELP!!! I can not crucify my flesh. I am unable to control my mind. Please God give me some peace about this.

All I wanted to do was to go to church this morning to the community worship service. Chris went on about how awesome it was, and I have to work. So on top of all of this obsessive behavior, I start feeling sorry for myself and begin to feel helpless… So now, I have no peace, no joy (that is what church is about today), no control, and basically feel like crap. And I still have to confront the manager.

So after all of this, and the main point of this blog, I finally figure something out… Leave it to me to be the slow one. Refining. You see, this is a pretty typical behavior of mine. Control. What is so bad about feeling out of control? What is so important about being in control? Why do I care so much about it? Because that dirty ol’ devil tricks me into thinking that stupid stuff at work is really important, that blah blah blah. To use Dasun’s favorite phrase… rest in Jesus. He can be in control for a while.

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